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The Unpleasant Surprise in Cebu

I was on my way to my teaching demo in one of the ESL schools here in Cebu. The jeepney driver told me, that there is a low pressure area and it is expected to have a typhoon anytime. Suddenly, it began to rain with strong winds. The jeepney I was riding was in Inayawan at that time. Upon reaching Magallanes Street, I was overwhelmed seeing the street and pedestrian lane covered with dirty, dark water with garbage floating on it. Sad to say, I have no choice but to soak into the dark water and transfer to another jeepney for Mabolo. Though my skin is fragile to dirty substances, its a win-win situation for me. I have to get a new job.My saga that day ended with me, arriving in the ESL school soaking wet and still dripping.

Young Violinist

How to Deal With an Abusive Husband

Overview

Domestic abuse refers to various behavioral patterns, all of which aim to give one spouse control or power over his or her partner, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. The specific abuse involved may be economic, emotional, physical, psychological, or sexual, and it usually results in the target feeling ashamed, hurt, manipulated, scared or some other negative emotion. Although the various forms of domestic abuse can affect people of any background or type, women subjected to such behavior may feel particularly vulnerable if their husband is the primary income earner or they have dependent children. Women can take specific actions to deal with an abusive husband.

Step 1

Listen and watch for the signs that indicate your husband is about to become abusive. Avoid situations that cause your husband to mistreat you. Compose several legitimate reasons for you to leave your home at any given time and use one when your husband begins to treat you abusively.

Step 2

Participate in activities outside your home as much as possible to interact with people who can help form a support network for you. Contact your local domestic abuse hotline and the domestic abuse shelters in your area to take advantage of their advice and support services. Stay in contact with friends and relatives, and share your experiences with the people you trust so you will not feel alone and helpless.

Step 3

Treat yourself well to maintain your mental health, positive outlook and self-esteem. Pursue activities and hobbies you like, and refuse to let your husband's negative behavior decrease your sense of self-worth. Protect your children and focus on providing them with a happy and safe home.

Step 4

Prepare in advance for abusive situations by establishing a safety plan to protect yourself and any children you have. Identify places you can escape to quickly, such as a room with a window leading outside or a nearby neighbor's home, and rehearse escaping with your children. Select a code phrase, signal or word to use with your children and others so they will know when you are in danger, and compile and memorize a list of essential contact information, such as telephone numbers for local shelters.

Step 5

Pick the option you believe is best: remaining with your husband or leaving him, either permanently or temporarily. Determine the different risks you will face in each case, such as the high likelihood of continued abuse if you stay with your spouse versus financial difficulties if you pursue separation or divorce. Consider the impact your decision will have on any children you have, too, especially since household abuse affects children even if they do not experience it or observe it, according to the New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence.

Step 6

Visit your local police station to explore obtaining a protective or restraining order if you leave your husband but feel he is still an imminent threat. Pursue other measures to protect yourself and your children, such as getting a post office box or unlisted telephone number, moving, or opening new bank and credit card accounts.

Step 7

Meet with a qualified mental health counselor or support group regularly if you feel overwhelmed, whether you decide to leave or stay with your husband. Learn how to overcome the trauma of domestic abuse, maintain healthy relationships and rebuild your life through such therapy.

How to Deal with a Verbally Abusive Husband

Overview

Domestic violence can occur in your marriage when your husband attempts to dominate you and your actions. Verbal abuse is a type of domestic violence. Ranging from name-calling and insults to screaming and making threats, verbal abuse is emotional abuse. The aim is to make you feel worthless and powerless, so that the abuser can maintain total control and power over you. According to Helpguide.org, you may not have physical scars or bruises but the emotional damage can be extensive and long-lasting.

Step 1

Recognize the warning signs to determine whether you are involved in a verbally abusive relationship. Consider important factors such as whether your husband belittles you, has a bad temper, overreacts to the smallest of slights or threatens to hurt or kill you. Examine how his behavior makes you feel. Does he try to intimidate you or blame you for his behavior? According to Helpguide.org, the term verbal abuse covers a wide range of behaviors. Irrational jealousy, controlling where you go and who you see and making you ask for permission to do anything all fall under this category.

Step 2

Tell someone about the abuse, whether it is a friend, family member or therapist. According to the Mayo Clinic, you will most likely feel relief and find support when you discuss the abuse with someone you trust. Doing this can help you to gain clarity, release pent-up emotions and frustrations and help you develop a plan for dealing with the abuse. Abuse is a cycle that doesn't stop until you do something to stop it. If you don't feel safe, call a domestic violence shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1'800'799'SAFE for free and confidential advice.

Step 3

Talk to your husband about his behavior during a time when you are both feeling calm, if you feel that is is safe for you to do so. If you think your husband would be open to the idea, you may wish to suggest couples therapy or anger management counseling. You also may wish to consider getting your own counseling on an individual basis to help you gain perspective and to help you to decide the best course of action. You can ask your physician, health insurance company or local mental health agency for a referral to a therapist in your area.

The Effects of an Abusive Relationship

Victims of relationship abuse don't just carry physical injuries. Abuse has numerous affects on nearly every aspect of a survivor's life. These affects have far-reaching implications, often affecting her employment, other relationships and mental and emotional well-being. It's not just adult women who suffer these effects. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control, 25 percent of adolescents reported experiencing some type of abuse, either physical, emotional, verbal or sexual. Because abuse effects women so deeply, understanding these effects and seeking safe ways to end abusive relationships are crucial to the health, wellness and survival of victims of relationship abuse.

Depression and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Dependence

According to The National Women's Health Information Center, depression commonly accompanies abuse. This depression can stem from verbal, physical, emotional or sexual abuse. Abuse often triggers feelings of shame, helplessness, panic, regret and fear. Many women feel unable to overcome or escape abuse due to threats of violence or loss of resources and feel trapped and hopeless. Women who have experiences abuse are often diagnosed with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and suicidal ideation, according to a report called "Women, Domestic Violence and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder" published by the Sandiego State University Department of Health and Human Services School of Social Work. PTST has a wide range of symptoms, from anxiety to flashbacks to sleeplessness to nightmares and depression. There is also a strong correlation between abused partners with PTSD and increased rates of drug and alcohol dependence.

Dimished Self-Esteem

Women who continually face abuse may blame themselves. They may feel on some level that they deserve this abuse, that that asked for it some way. They may also believe verbal abuse they've heard. For example, it's common for verbal abusers to try to make their partners feel worthless, powerless, dumb, unattractive and incompetent as parents, partners and homemakers. After a while, abused women may believe these things to be true. This low self-esteem helps abusers keep their victims under control.

Poverty

Many women who suffer abuse at the hands of their relationship partners also experience poverty. One reason for this poverty is that abusive partners often isolate and control their partners, preventing them from earning their own income and having access to family resources. According to Deborah Satyanathan and Anna Pollack, authors of "Domestic Violence and Poverty," women in abusive partnerships also often lack access to affordable housing and legal representation that would help them escape their situation. Women who are able to work outside the home may suffer poor work performance and frequent absenteeism due to depression, post-traumatic stress disorder or frequent injury. Abusive partners may still control the money and resources of employed partners, or may sabotage their ability to work through injury, manipulation or restricted access to transportation.

Why do Battered Women Stay in Abusive Relationships?

Overview

The friends and loved ones of a battered woman often wonder why she stays in the abusive relationship. The psychological state of an abuse victim is complex, and abuse is often cyclical. There are a number of possible reasons for staying with an abuser, and each situation is different. Understanding why women stay in these situations is the first step toward helping a loved one get the help she needs.

Denial

Abuse often occurs in cycles. After a violent episode, the abusive partner may be extremely apologetic and often swears that the abuse will never happen again. For a while, the abuser is on his best behavior. Most abusers are charming and manipulative. Women in these types of relationships may convince themselves that the partner "didn't mean it" and experience denial about their partner's abusive tendencies.

ontrol

"Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you," says HelpGuide.org. Those who have abusive relationships with women will often use fear, guilt, shame and intimidation to wear a woman down and gain control. An abuser may attempt to keep tabs on a woman and subject her to intense questioning concerning where she's been and what she's been doing. He may also restrict her from making personal decisions by controlling what she wears, controlling her money or even forcing her to ask permission to leave the house. Abusers often use isolation as a way to keep control over women, separating them from their friends, family and other support systems.

Anger and Violence

Anger features predominantly in abusive relationships. Abusers often have quick tempers, and may become angry at a moment's notice. "Disagreements are to be expected, and discussions to resolve them are normal," says clinical psychologist and relationship counselor Maisha Hamilton Bennett. "But when nearly every disagreement escalates to an argument in 60 seconds flat, there are serious underlying problems."



Violent outbursts also occur. Violence, even when it's not directed at a woman, is yet another way abusers threaten, intimidate and control women. "Witnessing a violent temper directed at a television set, others on the highway, or a third party clearly sends us the message that we could be the next target for violence," says clinical psychologist Joseph M. Carver.

Other Characteristics

Men in abusive relationships with women often display other common traits such as paranoia, jealousy, and constant criticism, says psychotherapist and marriage counselor Fred A. Clark. Help Guide further notes that abusive partners frequently blame their partners for their abusive behavior. These and other behaviors often lead to feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment for both parties. An abuser may then try to "make up" for his abusive behavior; the relationship then goes through a short honeymoon period, until the abuse starts again.

Considerations

Abusive relationships often escalate from emotional abuse to physical violence, says HelpGuide.org, though even if physical violence never occurs, emotional abuse can be just as damaging. Abusive relationships can cause serious depression, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness and suicidal thoughts. Those who feel they have an abusive relationship with women should seek help from a qualified professional to end the cycle of abuse and learn how to have healthy relationships. Victims of abuse should also seek help by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE.