Why do Battered Women Stay in Abusive Relationships?

Overview

The friends and loved ones of a battered woman often wonder why she stays in the abusive relationship. The psychological state of an abuse victim is complex, and abuse is often cyclical. There are a number of possible reasons for staying with an abuser, and each situation is different. Understanding why women stay in these situations is the first step toward helping a loved one get the help she needs.

Denial

Abuse often occurs in cycles. After a violent episode, the abusive partner may be extremely apologetic and often swears that the abuse will never happen again. For a while, the abuser is on his best behavior. Most abusers are charming and manipulative. Women in these types of relationships may convince themselves that the partner "didn't mean it" and experience denial about their partner's abusive tendencies.

ontrol

"Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you," says HelpGuide.org. Those who have abusive relationships with women will often use fear, guilt, shame and intimidation to wear a woman down and gain control. An abuser may attempt to keep tabs on a woman and subject her to intense questioning concerning where she's been and what she's been doing. He may also restrict her from making personal decisions by controlling what she wears, controlling her money or even forcing her to ask permission to leave the house. Abusers often use isolation as a way to keep control over women, separating them from their friends, family and other support systems.

Anger and Violence

Anger features predominantly in abusive relationships. Abusers often have quick tempers, and may become angry at a moment's notice. "Disagreements are to be expected, and discussions to resolve them are normal," says clinical psychologist and relationship counselor Maisha Hamilton Bennett. "But when nearly every disagreement escalates to an argument in 60 seconds flat, there are serious underlying problems."



Violent outbursts also occur. Violence, even when it's not directed at a woman, is yet another way abusers threaten, intimidate and control women. "Witnessing a violent temper directed at a television set, others on the highway, or a third party clearly sends us the message that we could be the next target for violence," says clinical psychologist Joseph M. Carver.

Other Characteristics

Men in abusive relationships with women often display other common traits such as paranoia, jealousy, and constant criticism, says psychotherapist and marriage counselor Fred A. Clark. Help Guide further notes that abusive partners frequently blame their partners for their abusive behavior. These and other behaviors often lead to feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment for both parties. An abuser may then try to "make up" for his abusive behavior; the relationship then goes through a short honeymoon period, until the abuse starts again.

Considerations

Abusive relationships often escalate from emotional abuse to physical violence, says HelpGuide.org, though even if physical violence never occurs, emotional abuse can be just as damaging. Abusive relationships can cause serious depression, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness and suicidal thoughts. Those who feel they have an abusive relationship with women should seek help from a qualified professional to end the cycle of abuse and learn how to have healthy relationships. Victims of abuse should also seek help by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE.